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| so, i'm back in bakersfield for break.
i made the 3 hour trip all by myself in the car listening to music and it was really nice to be by myself. during the quarter i was usually at school 9am to 9pm or even later, and when i went home i had roommates around all the time. now, don't get me wrong because i adore the people i'm surrounded by. but i definitely miss having my own room and having a good amount of alone time. not having enough alone time sorta drives me nuts. so i really really appreciate being home.
so anyways, yesterday was the first time i hung out with people and goodness i miss home home friends SO much. i had the pleasure to hang out with jessica geoff and daniel after lunch and we went to border's. our traditional stomping grounds and exchanged stories. and after all that, i definitely enjoyed hearing geoff's asshole frat stories. and boy can i tell you, geoff anderson, you are an asshole. luckily i've known you long enough to know that there's more to you than that and i love you anyways. it was funny though because while we were talking i could see people occassionally looking up and dogging geoff because of the things he said. once the stories were said and done i went home for a little while.
around 8 me ryan marinor and michelle hung out. of course we had to hang out later because marinor had work. so, marinor and ryan came over and then we got michelle. we headed over to mcdonalds bc i was totally craving a double cheeseburger and fries, and michelle got a parfait. soon after we went to windermere park. one of the many parks we spend time at doing nothing and talking about life. we climbed up the jungle gym with our food and had a late night picnic. we were even daring enough to drink beer just for fun. so we talked about life for a little and made fun of each other while we ate. we finished off the park activities by attempting to take jump pictures which we sorta failed at and settled for smiles and some random poses. sooooo we went over to rite aid because we wanted ice cream but unfortunately we were too late and the ice cream stand thing was closed. but to our realization, marinor's mom ONLY works for dreyer's and in turn keeps a constant supply of ice cream at the house. so, we dropped off michelle because she had curfew and went back to marinor's house to eat more and watch the office. mmmmmm we had edamame and it was sooo yummy. AND i had push ups which i haven't had in FOREVER so that was yummy tooo. i think i'm gonna go get some edamame soon. mmmmmm. anyways... besides eating, we watched some episodes from The Office and i fell asleep while ryan scratched my head. apparently i snored. :) sorry about that guys. once i woke up ryan took me home and i knocked out pretty early.
a good start off to break, yeah?
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| so here i am, confined in the student center--voluntarily of course. i was attempting to study, but attempting isn't enough because i'm obviously not studying.. just wasting time on the blog. right now i'm studying bio, and i honestly think bio is a fascinating subject, it's just i need to get on a roll in terms of reading. then i can really focus and study. so don't expect this entry to say anything witty or for me to spill out my guts and emotions because it's not gonna happen. instead, i think i'll just tell myself to relax, breathe and focus. what you can expect in this entry is a random spewing of my thoughts and future plans i guess.
i stumbled upon kylie minogue's song "fever" and it makes me happy, so i've been listening to it, and dancing. i dance like no one's watching because for the most part no one can watch me when i'm home by myself.
friday after finals i'm supposed to go ice skating with the rosa drew boys and co. that includes the ex. i haven't really hung out with him lately, so we'll see how that goes. i'm bringing kay just incase. and attempting to get the LB boys to come. there's like 10% chance of that happening, but we'll see.
i can't wait to go home to bakersfield. i get to decorate the tree and hang out with my home home friends. i really want to go to haggin oaks and walk around with my friends. and some of the irvine kids are planning to come up so that'll be nice. i also hope kay and jenny can come up so i can "mesh" my friends together. that's always fun.
hopefully i can start up sewing again. it's been so long, i'm gonna start looking for good jeans to straighten. it takes up time and it's productive. i love college christmas breaks because we really don't do anything. no homework over break or anything. it's wonderful.
also when i'm home i'm gonna do a mini makeover. you know, a haircut. haircuts are awesome because it's not like a whole wardrobe makeover it can help you change your whole look. i'm single now, i gotta start looking hott again. i'm also gonna jog on the treadmill like everyday. i can't wait!
the last point i want to make about going home is that i'm really relying on it to help me let go of all the pain i've been through. i want to be ok. i NEED to be ok. i know i will be ok. it'll take time, but i WILL be ok, but at the same time i'm taking a leap of faith.. so kay and i call it.
oooo, there's a dali exhibit at LACMA so i think i'm going with kay dan and AJ. AJ said he'd drive if i paid admission. so... dan's uner 17, so he's free, so i'll just pay for AJ. so that's nice. i can't wait to go to it. art museums make me happy. alright, i should try to study for a while. i can't afford to waste TOO much time.
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| me and the boyfriend are over, unfortunately. maybe fortunately, i guess we'll wait to see what happens. so since the breakup, i initially had a hard time letting go. everyone told me "stay away from him for now" and "his loss" and "you'll be ok" but even though i knew everyone was right i constantly found myself starting IM conversations, visiting him at work, and trying to hang out with him as a friend. I always said i wouldn't but before i knew it i'd be 10 minutes into a conversation or leaving the bookstore after visiting him at the far register. but as a couple weeks went by, i spent more time trying to be a friend than he was. whether he was ready to be friends or not, it didn't really matter.. but it made me really really mad to know i was putting more effort into it. not just annoyed, but MAD.. REALLY MAD. but, when i actually hung out with him it made me ridiculously happy. so, i told him how i felt. no matter how pathetic or weird it sounded. and now i'm more ok with the situation in terms of just letting go. and i think i have the right to be mad with him right now. he broke up with me. he hurt ME. i shouldn't be putting in the effort to be friends bc i'm probably just trying to salvage something that's currently not there. so, basically, whatever.
yesterday i was going through my iPod and i found the song "it's about time" by lillix. and it describes me now more than ever. it has lines that say "i hate you, i love you, i just can't remember to forget you" the whole song is basically a big oxymoron... again, describing my current situation.
also, i went to a christmas party last night. it was nice.. mainly because there were a couple guys who caught my eye. you know, gave me hope for the future. haha. but it's not like i'm ready for a new relationship at all. i'm definitely still full of feelings for my now x. we'll see what happens.
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| ok. maybe i have sort of an idea of what's going on. a lot of stuff went down yesterday. so, i talked to the boyfriend online and i don't know if that got us anywhere, so of course i turned to my best friend to help me out. she gave me some good advice to just write everything down and just let my emotions out through writing and that actually did help me to figure out some stuff about the issues i'm having with my boyfriend.
so it starts here.. i think we really had different ideas about what a relationship was which is what lead to other problems. so then after things sorta snowballed and just got bigger and bigger and now here we are. so my boyfriend thinks i'm too clingy and i think i know why now. i want things to be reciprocated. my boyfriend is way less touchy feely than i am because that's the environment he grew up in. i grew up in a household with constant hugs and "i love you"s and "how are you doing today, do you want me to make you food or get you something?"s. so that's how i'm going to be in a relationship. we have different views about how to show someone you care. just.. all these different views and ideas conflict with each other so i think we need to go back to the beginning and figure out what we want and how to compromise to make each other happy.
so like, over summer, my boyfriend feels that he stayed around longer to deal with the issues that i had but other people would've bailed. but i think it still goes back to the idea that we have different views on things. i think it was a result of me wanting and needing the reciprocity. then again.. i still don't know. my boyfriend makes me feel like i don't know anything. he defends himself so well and makes his reasoning so logical. i hate being a girl. emotional basketcases.
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| moral of the story, don't break your heart. trust him.
at least that's what i'm hoping is the right thing to do. actually i know it's the right thing to do. i mean, i've been hurt before so of course i'm sorta on guard and paranoid. but i know that my boyfriend now is different then my boyfriends back then, and i'm 500% sure that i can totally trust him. my boyfriend right now is always fair, caring, funny, friendly, and just cute. he knows how to keep his priorities straight and he's mature. well, he's mature in the sense that he knows what's right and wrong, and he knows that he has to get what he needs done, and that's always first. but he can also be childish, and i find it so attractive because i'm a kid at heart too. so, it's true that i feel like i'm taking a backseat to everything in his life, but it's just.. i wish he could spend more time with me. these first two weeks were really hectic because it was rush week for the bookstore, and everyone's been buying/returning textbooks. so not only does he not have time for me, he doesn't have time for his friends either. so he needs that time too. ok, i'm sorta rambling, but i just need to get this stuff off my chest and maybe it will make more sense to me instead of formulating solutions in my head. so anyways.. i just need to trust him. that's what he deserves more than anything. i need to trust that he's faithful, trust that he makes time for me no matter how little it is and i should be more appreciative, trust that he truly likes me, trust that he's friendly with everyone.
i just need to calm down. calm down calm down calm down, nikki.
anyways... off to long beach for the afternoon, i'll continue this later.
continuation!! yayyyy!
so, on the way to long beach, i picked up my friend who was also doing the dances too. on the way up to long beach (believe it or not, i was the driver.. on the FREEWAY haha) we both talked about our relationships, and we had a lot in common. we talked about being separated from our boyfriends and stuff and we both deal the same way. when we went from seeing our boyfriends every day then suddenly are pulled away from them it really gets to us emotionally. also, if we're with our boyfriends too much, it just leads to arguing, so space is a good thing.. a very good thing. my friend and her boyfriend being around each other too much resulted in them breaking up. so, i just need to give my boyfriend his chill time to do things
i don't really know where i'm getting out here, but it's good to know i'm not the only one having issues.
so to summarize things,
1. keep space between me and the boyfriend, let him have his chill/friend time, no matter how hard it is. just suck it up.
2. i have to trust the boyfriend. he's not like any of the guys in the past, so it's different. he shouldn't live in the shadows of what other guys have done to me.
3. i can't hold my tongue. when we "argue" i need to learn how to say things.
easier said than done. but worth it if i can pull it off.
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